In July I went to the ophthalmologist for my annual check up.  For me one of the worst things about going to the ophthalmologist is getting your eyes dilated.

I get called back into the dark room and go through the motions of reading the random letters and numbers across the room. Then the doctor dilates my eyes, which in turn start watering. Now I can’t see anything. As he leans in to examine my corneas, he says, “Oh, there is an eyelash in your eye.” “Ok”. I reply. He removes the eyelash and continues on with the rest of the exam.  He ceremoniously scribbles some notes into my chart, tells me I am healthy, and sends me on my way. I pay my $25 co-pay and blindly make my way home.

Round 2

Several weeks later I receive a bill from the ophthalmologist for an additional $20.  Over the next several weeks I go several rounds between the insurance company and the doctor’s accountant. The only explanation I can get from the insurance company is that the extra $20 is because I saw a specialist. Then I call the doctor’s accountant and she tells me that because the doctor is an ophthalmologist I am charged extra. Well I am sorry aren’t all eye doctor’s ophthalmologist?

Round 3

Finally after several rounds calls, I get the head of accounting on the phone. She tells me that the reason I was charged as “seeing a specialist” was because the doctor removed an eyelash from eye. That simple eyelash removal cost me $20 and bumped my simple annual eye exam from routine to specialized. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF ANYTHING SO CRAZY? I proceed to tell the head of accounting that she and this charge are ridiculous. She proceeds to compare my eyelash removal to the removal of a polyp. I told her she was comparing apples to oranges. There was no way in hell I was paying $20 for something I could have done myself. Finally she throws in the towel and removes the $20 fee. She closed our conversation by saying that it would have been “irresponsible for the doctor to leave the eyelash in your eye. If you don’t want comprehensive care then maybe you should go someplace else”.  “Consider it done” I replied and hung up.

I have been blessed with the opportunity to watch my two-year-old niece a few times a week this past month.  Like Alice slipping through the looking glass, each experience provided a wonderland of characters and introduced me to this world of childhood in the millennium.  This two-year-old bundle of comedy has provided the following stops in this journey.  Join me as we go down the rabbit hole to the retelling of adventures, my friends…

Adventure 1-Playground Protocol: After taking my niece to a local park where the mothers were rocking Gucci purses and Chanel sunglasses while their little Liam’s were decked out in Burberry and eating sand, I took note of the social mores.  Plans for future play dates between their children were made between the mothers who more resembled each other.  The list of events for one of the children included reading group at the library twice a week, gracing certain playgrounds with their presence two other times of the week and language lessons for the other odd day.  Mind you, this woman’s child was barely three years old.

I just don’t know if I was perturbed because I wish I could spend my weeks like that or if I was just coveting her Prada sandals…

Adventure 2-Language Creation:  I realized we were creating a new language when I decided to take her to one of my complex’s swimming pools. While getting her in her bathing suit, she insisted we were going to “Go paddle!”.  I just nodded, thinking swimming was a word she did not want to say.  My sister provided me with the Rosetta Stone to my niece’s language once she told me that the instructor in my niece’s swimming class taught her to “Paddle-paddle, kick-kick”, when in the water.  Thus “swimming” = “paddle”.  Now, our conversation to go to the pool is:

Me: “Wanna paddle?”

Niece: “Sure! Paddle!”

Adventure 3-Enjoying Children’s Cartoons:  I have been introduced to the world of ‘Wow! Wow! Wubbzy’, ‘SpongeBob SquarePants’ and ‘Yo Gabba Gabba’, to name a few.  Since my niece is two and her attention span is not much longer than it takes to sneeze, I would find myself getting caught up in the story lines and wanting to finish the shows while she was ready for something else.  And yes, I laughed out loud multiple times to some of these cartoons.  I am not ashamed.

Now, after some long and fulfilling days of auntie/niece bonding time, I wanted to take a nap.  I could never get her to fall asleep and feelings of dejection became familiar when she would leave for home completely awake while I was ready to pass out. It came to be that I would measure the success of how fun the day was to how tired I could make her.  After a few eight hour days of jam packed events including walking for an hour, “paddling”, coloring, playground antics, watching movies and cartoons, she would still be bouncing awake.  As of this week I can now declare success: I got her to nap.  My work here is done.

..And start getting naked in hot tubs, drinking til they black out, and hooking up with each other. Because that’s about all the “Real World” has boiled down to these days, right? The decline started with Vegas and that cursed Trishelle. Trishelle, I shake my fist at you!

DC is hot, hot, HOT, folks! We have “Blonde Charity Mafia” coming up this summer on the CW, some Real Housewives are being cast, and MTV is allegedly close to buying the house at 2000 S Street, NW, for “Real World: DC” – I can’t even take it! And I mean that in a good way.

The article linked above suggests that we throw water balloons at the house – but I say wait. Wait until the Real Worlders have invaded the city and are ruining our nights out with their camera lights and their horrendous dancing on bars. That’s when we strike, people. Who’s with me?!

Dear Passport Processing Center,

I’d like to commend you on a recent job well done. What I’m speaking of is my unnecessarily complicated and frustrating experience in obtaining my U.S. passport book.

Back in late February, I applied for my first U.S. passport. At that point, the wait time on your Website for processing applications was three weeks. At the two-week point, I decided to try to track the status of my passport application online using your handy online tracking system. I was repeatedly told that my passport application was not found. Note: If this function ceases working, shut it down so as not to freak people out.

After waiting four weeks and no passport, I decided to call the National Passport Information Center. Twenty-five minutes later, I got to speak to a real person. I was informed that my application was, in fact, received and there was a backlog of applications so the processing time was taking longer than expected. I was told that if I didn’t receive my passport within two weeks, I should call back.

Two weeks later: no passport. I call again. I was informed that my passport was mailed the day before and I should receive it shortly. Lo and behold, and against all odds, I actually received my passport in the mail—a mere six ½ weeks after I applied.

A week after finally getting my passport, I received an enveloped marked “Official Government Business.” What the hell?! I opened it to find a note from you, informing me that my passport application was received and that I should expect my passport shortly. Way to go, people.

In summation, thank you for the extended wait and unnecessary stress. Your kindness and efficiency will not soon be forgotten.

Regards,

Lady Bird Johnson

My only concern is that if in fact it is ”DC Housewives” that they live in DC proper (i.e. DuPont, Georgetown, Foxhall, and Capital Hill). I will boycott if they live in Virginia or Maryland (i.e. Arlington, Alexandria, PG County or dare I say Manassas or Upper Marlboro). Please understand I have nothing against Arlington, Alexandria or PG County. Manassas and Upper Marlboro, on the other hand, I have no idea where they are, nor do I care.  I do care when people who live in Manassas or Upper Marlboro, or those other far off distant VA/MD burbs, try to claim they live in DC/the DC Metro area. I call Bull Sh*t.  Claim Virginia/Maryland and call it a day.

Anyhoo, for more information click on the article below. – xoxo Jackie

http://voices.washingtonpost.com/tvblog/2009/05/washington_dc_invaded_by_real.html#comments

Honestly, I had no expectations. Coincidently, Momma Bouvier was in town for Mother’s Day and requested we see this movie. Momma Bouvier loves Star Trek. I watched some of the older Star Trek episodes, but I am more familiar with Deep Space Nine and The Next Generation.

To sum it up, I give this movie two thumbs up. It was EXCELLENT!!! Also, did I mention there are no ugly people in this movie? The film chronicles the early days of James T. Kirk, played by Chris Pine, and his fellow USS Enterprise crew members. There is also a cameo by Leonard Nimoy (no William Shatner thank God).  The new Spock is played by Zachary Quinto, who plays Syler on Heroes. Quinto is amazing in this role. Zoe Saldana, Karl Urban, John Cho, and the sexy Eric Bana also star. Surprisingly enough Winona Ryder is also in the film (for a minute) playing Spock’s mom. Thankfully she only has 5 lines.

Even if you aren’t a die hard fan, you will still enjoy this movie. It actually has a great storyline with strong writing, special effects, and acting. The sword fight on top of the drill and the comedic timing between Bones and Jim are well done. Skip X-Men Origins: Wolverine. I heart Hugh Jackman, but Star Trek is where it’s at. Live long and prosper my friends. Jackie out.

All,

Please take the time out of your busy day to grab a partner, or an inanimate object, and dance the rain away. The link below is for your inspiration. Enjoy!

Housewives Rain Dance

XO,

Dolley

The coming of the New Year has inspired me to try new things. So when my friend “A” invited me to attend her aqua fitness class I jumped at the chance.

The Good

“A” graciously picked me up and proceeded to give me the low down on the ladies of aqua fitness. Her briefing could not prepare me for what I was about to witness. As we walked into the locker room, I was impressed by pristine lockers and amenities. As we rounded the corner to find empty lockers we ran smack dab into the Naked Lady.

The Bad

Not only was she sixty plus years old, she was topless. I threw up a little in my mouth. Naked Lady immediately locked in on us. She walked up to us with her one piece bathing suit hanging around her waist.  “Hello” she said. She continued the conversation with her old lady boobs hanging out. I have no idea what she said, but she was the official welcoming committee. As I looked around the locker room I realized “A” and I were the youngest people there by a good 40 years.

After the shocked wore off “A” and I made our way to the pool. We found a great spot free of old ladies who now had their tops on (thank God). As the class began we realized the older ladies were coming closer to us. Naked/Welcome Lady and the Pool Nazi were standing behind us. Naked/Welcome Lady swam over to me and whispered “it’s so nice to have young people in the class”. Riiiiight. The instructor came out. She was this cute sassy lady of about sixty-five. She carried a boom box almost twice her size and turned on Bryan Adams’ “Summer of 69”. The class started.

The class was no joke. 10 minutes into the class I didn’t think I was going to make it. We did jumping jacks, lunges, side steps, water weights, and all types of kicks. Half way through I overheard the Pool Nazi tell “A” that she needed to move up because she was in her space. I took offense because we were there first. “A” graciously smiled at her and moved up. Moments later the Pool Nazi tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to move up. I looked at her, smiled and replied “No. I haven’t moved from my spot so clearly you have miscalculated your depth perception”.  I heard some gasps. “A’s” eyes got big. I cocked my eyebrow at the Pool Nazi waiting for her retort. She glared at me and moved back.  The Naked/Welcome Lady winked at me. Shortly before the class ended the Pool Nazi left the pool. She swam past me and gave me one last glare. I smiled at her.

The Ugly

Class ended. “A” and I decided to chill in the whirl pool until the showers freed up. All of the sudden two of the biggest oldest German ladies plopped down into the whirl pool. They were sweet but my God I didn’t know they made bathing suits that big. Then a shower opened up and one of the German ladies got out of the whirl pool. She wrapped a towel around her. The towel was not large enough to cover her body. Then it happened. I saw a naked fat German lady.  I got out of the whirl pool and sought sanctuary in the sauna. “A” called me when the coast was clear.

The End

Overall the class was great! The ladies were sweet, with the exception of the Pool Nazi. To “A’s” credit no amount of prepping could have prepared me for sixty year old boobs and an over weight naked German lady. As we left the locker room, the Naked/Welcome Lady, who was now dressed (thank God), waved us good bye. “See you next week”! “A” and I smiled. We held our giggles until we made it to the elevator.  My muscles were sore for the next three days.

Whose heart didn’t break when news of the death of Pedro from ‘The Real World’ made the rounds? Who did not see the tides of the show turn in the Las Vegas episodes with the hot tub scenes and “Trash”elle? And who even watched the most recent edition of Brooklyn? ‘The Real World’ needs a revamp, and with MTV having freshly ordered 4 more seasons, DC may actually be the next place to give it one with a dose of classy swagger.

Now I know we, the inhabitants of this city and its metro area, pride ourselves on our intellectual capacity. I can not tell you how many nights I’ve gone out and overheard Jack Daniels-infused debates at 1:30 am over a bill recently passed in the house or the legality of making DC a state. We are a serious people who pride ourselves on being such. We act like we’re 45 when we’re 26. Now, let the eye rolling commence, but I believe it is time to give DC the sexiness it deserves and to let the cameras of a reality show in.

Having received my undergrad and graduate degree here, I have watched this city evolve. This place has gone from its past of being a shutter town after 10 PM, to its present with people spilling out of bars and even from the chocolate house of ACKC well into the wee hours of the mornin’. This place needs to be celebrated, and I know we can show this world of reality tv just how it’s done-with class, smarts, wits and ambition. If ‘The Real World’ doesn’t need that now more than ever, I don’t know what does.

Whenever I have this conversation with people, I believe I’m actually seeing the metaphor of the movie ‘Sixteen Candles’. I know so many people who flocked to this city and found their “brethren” because they found other Samantha’s and Ted’s, i.e. “The Geek”,  just like them. DC, in a way, is akin to Molly Ringwald’s character of Samantha-the unique, quirky, smart girl who could never quite fit in with the popular crowd (i.e. NYC, LA, Miami, Chicago) but damnit, there was something about her that Jake Ryan acknowledged and fell in love with! Samantha never lost her character, and neither will we. Let the cameras in.

Perhaps I am arguing for this because of what ‘The Real World’ was to me when I watched the first season, oh so long ago, with Eric, Kevin, Julie, Heather B., Andre, Becky and Norm. I was in my formative years of middle school, but was struck by this show and what I witnessed from it. It had integrity. It had depth. It had people I wanted to get to know and still wonder what happened to (I know Eric has gone granola and was recently on VH1’s ‘Confessions of a Teen Idol‘, but where is Julie?!). I was an avid fan of the series. The Chicago series made me leery of the beginning of the end, but the Vegas series… Hell, I wish what happened in Vegas actually stayed in Vegas with ‘The Real World’ turning to pot. Alas, the formula we have all become accustomed to and that has turned the show into a casting joke has been too easy to read since. I am positive the youth of DC will inject the show with another round of life. At least one more that people would want to actually watch! OR, they could raise the age limit of the casting cut off…I’m just saying…

While we are on this discussion, may I also motion that a series of ‘The Real Housewives of DC‘ also be inaugurated? Yes, I am obsessed, and the housewives of Georgetown, Embassy Row, Alexandria, and Bethesda would kill it! Lawd knows we won’t turn out one of these:

(Ramona Singer, ‘Real Housewives of NYC’)

To Reality TV execs: Bring it. To the nay sayers: Learn to share and let it happen.

In the words of Tim Gunn, a DC expat into the world of reality tv, “Carry on.”

I almost didn’t want to post this item, as it will merely draw attention to my newest destination thereby making it more difficult for me to get a table…but I can’t hold back. I’m in love.  I heart Blue Duck Tavern.

On a recent Sunday, Jackie O and I had plans to meet at Blue Duck for brunch and although neither of us had been there, Dolley’s reported experience from a dinner engagement had us prepared for quality.  Located at the Park Hyatt, Blue Duck conveys a peaceful and genteel aura marked by superb service.

Walking in to wait for Jackie O that fateful Sunday, I was quickly greeted and offered my choice of morning paper – “Do you have the Financial Times?” *asked tentatively* “Yes, of course”-  I was whisked off to our table, mimosa and FT in hand before I could even fully appreciate the surroundings. The design was a mix of über modern minimalist architecture containing rustic and simple furnishings.  The juxtaposition is strangely calming while beautiful.

As if the atmosphere and attention weren’t enough, the wide selection of specialty breakfast potatoes won my heart for good.  I’m not proud of my weakness, but I could happily subsist for the rest of my natural life on the  roesti potatoes in their little individual sized cast iron skillet.  Also notable is the lump crab omelette, the Belgian waffle, and the excellent selection of teas.

I departed filled with affection and wanting to return with everyone I know – such is my love for Blue Duck.   Happy dining, Washingtonians.